It’s not uncommon for us all to “lose our cool” on occasion, but for some, it’s more of a constant state of annoyance. It’s like the process in the background of your computer that uses up all of your memory – we don’t realise how much it is until we crash. If our automatic responses to the world are mostly based on our emotions, we’re not just stressed; we are living out an old program that is more about survival than progress.
When it comes to anger, this doesn’t mean suppressing it. It’s all about reading the “program” and re-programming to avoid a flare-up. So we need to code for these emotions if we are to remain productive in our personal and professional lives.
Understanding the Flare-Up
Anger is rarely the “primary” emotion; it’s secondary. It covers up other feelings like frustration, tiredness or a lack of control. When things don’t go as we would like, our brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) activates. Your heart races, your focus is drawn to the immediate danger and your ability to think is dominated by a fight response.
The “fight” response is generally unproductive in the work environment or when dealing with patients. To curb this you need to practise “observational delay”. This is the ability to feel the “rage” but instead of responding, to reflect on your behaviour. It’s the key to long-term anger management.
The Consequences of Chronic Irritability
Feeling on-edge all the time not only has a negative effect on relationships, but also health. With chronic anger, your body and brain are in a state of over-supply of cortisol, which leads to:
- Tunnel Vision: You can’t think of other options to solve problems.
- Communication: You sound and look aggressive and others respond defensively or angrily.
- Physical Fatigue: The “aftermath” of a large outburst can leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed to respond to the next challenge.
Recognising that regulating your emotions is a skill and not a personality trait can help you figure out “patches” to avoid rages. This can be through grounding exercises or reframing – that is, changing the narrative you’re telling yourself about a frustrating event before it’s interpreted by your brain as threatening.
Building a Resilient Emotional Framework
The strategic approach to health is to examine the incidents that bring the system offline. If a particular set of circumstances or interaction causes an outburst, it’s not to “try harder” to stay calm. It’s to look at the thought that is making this situation so dangerous.
Some people will need to see a professional for this. With specific anger management, you can map out the triggers in a safe environment. You begin to become aware of the physiological “cues” (such as clenching your jaw or feeling warm) that precede screaming and punching.
From Reaction to Regulation
The goal is not to be a robot. Our emotions provide us with information about our limits and priorities. But when the “volume” of these feelings is turned up to 11, this information is obscured.
Managing the impulses of the mind lets you manage your time and energy. You no longer need to apologize for those things you said when you were mad, and need to do the things you need to do. Whether you’re running a project, or having a difficult discussion, the person with the most control over their own inner state of mind has the most power.
For the person who wants more than to count to ten and take the more adult approach to managing their emotions, the mindful therapist shows you how to control your emotions. It’s about taking control of the emotions and living in greater harmony.